Back on Track?

Today is Monday and I suppose it could be said I am back on track.

My schedule has been to post on Monday and Thursday so in that sense I suppose I am . . . back on track, that is. 

On the other hand, I'm not sure what a 'track' is nor which 'track' I was on or am on.

That's what a month of life and death stress can do to a person.

My Honey is now home and we're making our way in the new set of circumstances God has arranged for us. 

He wrapped us in the peace and quiet of our top floor flat for the weekend for which we are thankful. As a matter of fact, 'thankful' fills our conversations and prayers these days. 

I will keep you updated about our journey through the health issues facing us as I return to my routine. Scripture is my Monday focus, and I want to share with you some of the tremendous power of the Truth of God's infallible Word that has been sustaining me.

I didn't choose the battles I've had to fight. 
I don't like them and I've told God just how much.
They have been violent and bitter and painful, and I hate them. 
Shock, confusion, and fear have caused me to panic and I am ashamed.
I've told the LORD all about it.

There was the night I rushed to the hospital because Curt texted me that they were bringing him up to the main building for tests at 9:30pm. It just didn't make sense. Then, while I was on the bus, he sent me a text saying they were prepping him for surgery. I was beside myself.

As the hospital came into view I caught my breath. Could it possibly be God's intent for Curt to graduate from this earth there . . . tonight? 

"Surely not," my raw emotions screamed. 

"Only the Father knows," the Comforter whispered. 

My breathing evened out as the Truth of His sovereign and loving hand settled my heart. 

"Man's days are determined;
you have decreed the number of his months 
and have set limits he cannot exceed."  Job 14:5

I took my hands off and gave my Honey into the Father's everlasting arms, knowing that was the best place for him to be. It was an act of the will based on the witness of His Truth in my life. Since it was merely my acknowledgement of His Truth, I guess it wasn't as big a deal as it felt.

God held the activity in check until I arrived. Curt and I reviewed the situation and give informed consent. Then my loving Father stepped in and saved my Honey's life.

I suppose it's pretty easy to give God the glory and gratitude when the outcome is what we desire. Neither of us took the result for granted. We praised God for His mercy over the next 10 roller coaster days. I admit that I made the preparations to bring him home with a bit of hesitation - surgical recovery, new diet, serious exhaustion, more unknowns.

I opened the door to head out to assist with my Honey's discharge and transport. A one word text from him appeared on my phone, "sick". My text reply was, "No, nooo, nooooooo." I called to the friend who came to care for us, asking her to pray. Then I dashed to the bus. My thoughts raced over the same ground again.

God is in control. He knows everything that's happening. He saved Curt's life once so I know He can do it again, if He chooses. 

I froze.

It really is all up to the LORD. 

No words or actions, no amount of effort or cajoling, no offer of exchange or deals would alter His plan. God knows the end from the beginning and His plan is perfect. AND He loves me and my Honey enough to have sent His own Beloved Son to die that we might spend eternity in fellowship with Him. 

And yet, this could be the graduation day set for my Honey that only He knows.

I'd already given up my 'right' to keep Curt with me. What else was there to face? 

Losing my Honey was again a likely reality. Pain, agony, grief, heartache, despair, . . . flooded over me. Anger, discontent, resentment, bitterness . . . made themselves known to me.

This time I submitted my own life to the Father who loves me. I let Him know that I trusted Him in the midst of my fear and the unknown I could not fathom. I told Him of my purpose to accept, even embrace, His will without ugly retribution, if this were to be Curt's final battle. I pleaded with my LORD to step in and cause me to be faithful to my intention no matter when or how that event might occur.

The peace I was given held me as I descended the steps of the bus and crossed the street. It even kept me calm as I entered the hospital and read Curt's next text, "heart attack". 

I admit the next few hours are a blurr. God had arranged for two pastors to be part of the transport team so they were with me for support. Two friends came to be with me as well. When we left the hospital my Honey was resting peacefully in the Cardiac ICU. My nerves were shot.

Hallelujah for this day that the LORD has made.

It's two weeks later and we are sitting together at home. We praise our Gracious God for carrying us through such horrific trials. We look to Him to make His way for us in the days and weeks ahead. 

I loved God in the midst of the battles I've had to fight.
I will love Him in the ones yet before us. 
I've told Him so and will continue to declare it. 
I trust and rely on Him in the face of the violence and pain I abhor. 
I look into His face, knowing that He is Sovereign over every aspect of our lives, thanking Him for keeping me free from any bitterness that might threaten to rise.

I am indeed back on track, the Truth track, and pleased to echo the words of Samuel, Job, and Naomi.

"He is the LORD; let Him do what is right in His eyes."  1 Samuel 3:18